This morning, I was reading a thread on twitter which asked people to share their biggest learning as the year 2019 comes to a close. I read through multiple comments and realized that most people had to share what didn’t go well. I was wanting to see if anyone shares what they did well and would like to continue next year. But sadly, couldn’t find any such post. I think we all (including myself) are in the habit of looking at the glass half-empty rather than half-full. Even if a little something is missing from life, we grieve over it. If our needs are fulfilled, our family is healthy and happy, I bet we will still find something that is not quite right. I wanted to share this post to share my perspective around the most common of these feelings and how to see the positive and move ahead:
If you feel cheated on: Can you go back and change the past? Can you change the behaviour of somebody else? More often than not, we bear the burden of someone else’s misdoing. If someone was not loyal, how can that be your fault? And if it’s not your fault, why should you suffer and be morose? You can argue that if you had done something differently, they would not have strayed. If only you were enough for them. The truth my darling is that no matter what you did differently, they would have strayed anyway because it’s a part of their being. So, stop being harsh on yourself and move on. Practise Self love because you deserve it! Most importantly, stop dwelling in the past and look forward.
If you cheated on somebody: And you’re feeling bad about it. You can’t undo the pain you inflicted on another person so don’t even try to reach out if it’s recent. You should sit down, acknowledge your mistake and also assess the reasons why you did it. Surely, it can’t simply be that the other person was nagging or non-trusting that made you run into the arms of another. If you were unhappy, you always had the option of breaking the relationship unless of course there were kids involved. It’s important to do a complete assessment of situation rather than blaming your ex or even yourself for what happened in the past. Be objective about the situation so that you are not a repeat offender. In some cases, due to your personality types (read here), you might need some expert help and some work on yourself before you can be ready for a healthy relationship again. Now is a good time to start.
If you failed at achieving something: There is one thing that you so wanted, maybe it’s an admission to an Ivy League college , or getting a job of your dreams or getting that perfect body but you failed to achieve your goal this year. You have every reason to be sad about it but unfortunately, you can’t go back in time. But the good news is that there is a brand new year waiting for you to take the bull by its horns. It’s a blank slate that you’re going to write on so why not start with some learning from this year. Sit down and take a pragmatic view of the situation of where your shortcomings could have been. There would be some intrinsic factors (within your control) and some extrinsic factors (outside your control) which lead to the outcome this year. So, instead of blaming yourself for the entire thing, it’s only the intrinsic factors you could have controlled and can carry your learning forward from into the next year.
Here are some tips for starting and continuing to have a great 2020 so that we can be happier same time next year:
Review who is your company: People who surround us define us. If you spend more time in the company of people who are negative and thankless, you eventually start reflecting their thoughts and behavior. Try to be friends with people who have a positive outlook towards life and by talking to whom you gain something. And yes, if you feel good after speaking to someone, that counts too!
Set healthy goals: Goals that are healthy for you and not just for your body. Just because all my friends are getting married, I should not be in a rush to do the same next year. Peer pressure does lead to a bad decision making including choosing a partner who is not right for us or when we’re not ready to be in a long term commitment. Everyone has their own growth path, if my friend from school has a good job and a family life and I don’t have it yet, doesn’t mean I am a loser. It could just mean that I am relishing where I am in life and might be enjoying more experiences than they would have at the same stage.
Be realistic: Set realistic timelines for your goals. I have realised that having monthly or quarterly goals in fact helps better. The breaking down of a bigger goal into smaller sub-goals helps with close monitoring and helps to remain focused. It will help you remain consistent through the year rather than relying on last few months of the year to pressure yourself with.
Practice Self Love: It’s okay to think about yourself. Making yourself happy is no crime as long as it’s not harming anyone. It’s okay to distance yourself from relationships that don’t nourish your soul. There are ample people out there who love you, don’t fret about that one person who didn’t. No matter what you do, don’t forget to acknowledge how good you are, in one way or the other, even if no one else says this to you.